God Has Shown Favor: Part 1

I'm baaaackkk!!!

And oh so much has changed since we last talked, Internet Friends. I promise in time you'll be all caught up, but I want to start with my favorite story from the last 3 years.

It's kind of long, so I'm breaking it into two parts. Welcome to part 1!

God Has Shown Favor: Part 1

This is a story of infertility. This is a story of brokenness. This is a story of God's overwhelming grace. This is my story.

This story actually starts years ago, back when I was a teenager. I'll spare you all the details, but the main thing you need to know is that for various reasons, I always suspected I might have issues getting pregnant. I truly hoped that my suspicion was 100% rooted in the fact that I am an eternal pessimist, but as you'll soon find out, it wasn't.

So, when my husband and I decided we wanted to start our family in August 2017, we decided not to tell anyone. My reason was simple: I didn't want people to wonder what was taking so long if it didn't happen right away. I thought that would be embarrassing and shameful.

Normally, I am an incredibly open person. I hate secrets. I think there are very few good reasons for having them. I don't necessarily volunteer all of my dirty laundry for everyone to know, but I at least always willing to talk about it.

Except with this. This was the exception. I did not, under any circumstances, want people to know we were trying for a baby. I convinced myself my reasons were legitimate, but the reality is, it was pride.

I'm going to pause there and tell the medical side of this story first. Remember this, though, because it plays a very important part in this story.

The Medical Side

So, August 2017 we started trying. And by May 2018 - nothing. (Actually, worse than nothing, because I was dealing with my 6th month of amenorrhea - look it up, I'm trying to keep things from getting too specific here, for those who don't like all the details. ;) )

Honestly, that was pretty normal for me, and it never bothered me until we were trying to get pregnant. It also never occurred to me that it could be a serious health issue, but in May I found out that, yeah, it was, and can lead to cancer and other horrible things. So I decided I should probably go see a doctor.

So I made an appointment with a LEGIT OB/GYN. I say legit because I'd only ever been to general practitioners before, who had never expressed any concern over my symptoms that they were all aware of. 

Within 5 minutes of talking with her, she was already 99% sure that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). [I was also pretty sure I had this, based on accidentally stumbling upon the disorder a year or so before and realizing I had all the symptoms of it.]

She ran a few extra tests and officially diagnosed me the next week.

PCOS, thankfully, is NOT a huge deal. It can complicate a lot of things and there is no cure, but the symptoms are highly treatable. One of these symptoms is irregular ovulation - which, as you can imagine, makes it difficult to, um, schedule certain necessary getting pregnant events.

Enter modern medicine. They make pills for that! So my doctor got me on a prescription for Clomid and we went from there.

The first round worked, but I didn't get pregnant. The second round failed and I had to take a different pill to reset my system, then start the third round with my dosage upped. And you know what they say - third time's the charm!

I finally got my two pink lines after 13 months. I honestly didn't believe it at first. I also expected Murphy's Law to fully be in effect here, because, like I said - eternal pessimist.

But the crazy thing is, I knew it worked. 5 days before I ever took the test I knew I was pregnant. I wouldn't admit it then, because I didn't want to get my hopes up, but in hindsight I can say that I 100% knew I was pregnant. Which is so crazy to me, but also really awesome.

Now, back to what I'm calling the God side of the story (not that God isn't involved in medicine, but I'm specifically speaking to the more Spiritual side).

The God Side

Okay, so remember how I did NOT want people to find out we were trying to get pregnant? Let's go back to that.

So for a little over a year, we didn't tell a single person (with the exception of a handful of people who accidentally found out along the way) that we were trying for a baby.

A YEAR, people. We kept that a secret for a year and the whole while dealt with the heartbreak of negative pregnancy tests completely alone because we couldn't talk to anyone about it. Yes, it IS as horrible and lonely as it sounds, but I was not in my right mind during that year and convinced myself that this was exactly WHY we couldn't tell anyone.

So yeah. That year pretty much sucked. Meanwhile everyone else in the world was successfully getting pregnant on the first try. Not really, but that's how it feels when you're dealing with infertility. 

In early September 2018, Aaron and I joined a life group at our church for newlyweds and young parents. The group was to meet for an entire year, and one of the main purposes of the group was to build relationships with each other and do life together. Because of this, I assumed that at some point it would come up and was starting to get used to the idea.

I did NOT expect to start talking about it at the SECOND meeting we had together.

Here's how it happened: The guys and girls had split up and the topic was living an honest and open life. People were sharing their personal testimonies of times when being open about something they were going through had really helped them. As I sat there, listening to story after story, I felt the Lord really convicting me about keeping this thing to myself.

I was so nervous and worried about what people might think, but I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. With tears in my eyes, I finally gained up the courage to speak up and share my story. And you know what happened?

First, here's what didn't happen: I didn't get made fun of. I didn't get told that I was worthless. I didn't see the three pregnant women in the room pat themselves on the back because they were better than me. I didn't burst into flames. Honestly, I didn't even feel ashamed or embarrassed.

I felt relieved. And, right after I shared my story, another woman in the group spoke up about how she had gone through the same thing. And then another one told me she was currently going through it, too. And I instantly had this support group, this community of women who got it. It felt so good, so right...and I wish I had done it a year earlier.

The crazy thing is, my husband also shared the same story that night with the men. We had not talked beforehand about sharing that. It was spontaneous for both of us.

That was mid-September 2018. 4 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.

Coincidence? Maybe...but probably not.

Here's the thing. I don't necessarily think God was punishing me for keeping it a secret. But I do know that God's timing is far better than mine, and He knew I needed to have this experience and learn this lesson.

Oh yeah, and the timing of this pregnancy DEFINITELY worked out so much better than if we had gotten pregnant a year earlier, for so many reasons. But I'll get into that another time.

So, after that experience, I was very eager to share my pregnancy IMMEDIATELY because if ANYTHING bad happened, I wanted that support system and prayer warriors on my side. So yeah, we shared a little early. (With some family and our life group at 5 weeks, then it became public knowledge after we heard the heartbeat at 7 weeks, then we made it Facebook official on Thanksgiving day at about 10.5 weeks).

Our pregnancy announcement. Cowboys themed, of course.

At 21 weeks, we found out we were having a boy, which was what we both had wanted. We chose the name that night: Jackson Riley Bernardez.

Later, I remembered that name meanings are a thing and went to look it up (praying that the names didn't mean something strange, because we were already pretty locked in). 

Riley means "valiant."

Jackson means "God has shown favor."

And I feel like that's a pretty perfect fit.

I'll see you soon for part 2!